so sad, so miserable. why…
:(
sorry for depressing bulletin, all you assholes out there can shove it up yourself.
dont call me emo…….
basically, i am going crazy in the hamster wheel in my head “does he love me or does he just not want to be lonely, does he find me annoying, is he just using me, why did i move here, etc”
back home when i felt sad, i would go to the special two parks and walk around, or go to the lake, or drive around in the neighborhoods at night, or go clubbing, or go to chinatown, or invite a friend out for coffee, or invite people over to watch movies..
i have none of that here. im totally dependent on him. If im upset i have nowhere to go, nobody to talk to *usually—or that I feel comfortable talking to*
life is just a big empty blank of me going places by myself and interacting with people i dont know.
im really going crazy. i havent felt like this for so long, i dont know what to do. i need help…i want to leave..i dont want to leave..i dont know where to go if i leave…
he doesn’t feel like this, he doesn’t understand at all.
i dont expect anybody to, but i am throwing this out there because i need a solution. i need something to make me feel like life is more than a blank in which my boyfriend and i are barely friends, barely getting along as roommates, and im more of an annoyance to him than anything else. and the sad fact is i dont know what is more real, us being in love or this empty feeling of neglect and i dont know why he wanted me in the first place. or why i moved here in the first place.
there will probably be hell to pay, but i dont care..baring my soul is only distracting me from the fact that i have nothing, another day of nothing.
funny thing is the only time i realize how strange everything is is when i get high, then i wonder…why am i here with somebody like him?
he claims that i dont even care about him or show affection, but i do, everybody knows that.
why did he want me? because i was a challenge, and i was nice>? i dont know.
why do i feel like im being used, and i dont know…
i havent felt like the walking dead for awhile.
why do i bother with the things i bother with? i am nobody, worse than nobody. im nothing, i want to be alone to realize i am nothing. i dont need jeremy, i do need jeremy…somebody please get me drunk so i can be more of in idiot than i already am..i just want somebody who can make me feel,….complete
i want to die, get this whole joke over with…
we’re just a joke that God laughs at, really.
