Aidyl-icious

I had a strange dream

I am posting about my strange dream…in the dream I went to Japan…to Tokyo actually, and there were so many amazing stores of all kinds…on all levels. it was a crazy, futuristic tokyo where giant skyscrapers criscrossed together with the help of nearly transparent skyways on all levels and each layer of buildings was covered in brilliant lights and people every where. It was awesome. There were giant stores for each kind of thing you could imagine.

another weird dream was i went to the grocery store and i was dressed in elaborate loli clothes. but i didn’t realize it, i was acting like i was dressed normal. until i was pushing my cart outside and i ran across her…my ex best friend….she was very pretty and pale and wore long dark eyelashes. she was also dressed in lolita and was all like “oh god, lydia, what are you doing here?” and we sat down on the concrete outside and talked about random things, not forgiving or forgetting the past but putting it aside because of the sheer oddness of meeting…me living in another state and us both in lolita. It was a nice dream.

it’s funny. i saw my old best friends last time i went home. i saw the on the loop 610 in their car. our car followed their’s for about 15 minutes. how odd that in a city of millions of people i would happen to come across 2 or 3 people that have completely disappeared from my life.

so sad, so miserable. why…

:(
sorry for depressing bulletin, all you assholes out there can shove it up yourself.

dont call me emo…….


basically, i am going crazy in the hamster wheel in my head “does he love me or does he just not want to be lonely, does he find me annoying, is he just using me, why did i move here, etc”

back home when i felt sad, i would go to the special two parks and walk around, or go to the lake, or drive around in the neighborhoods at night, or go clubbing, or go to chinatown, or invite a friend out for coffee, or invite people over to watch movies..
i have none of that here. im totally dependent on him.
If im upset i have nowhere to go, nobody to talk to *usually—or that I feel comfortable talking to*
life is just a big empty blank of me going places by myself and interacting with people i dont know.



im really going crazy. i havent felt like this for so long, i dont know what to do. i need help…i want to leave..i dont want to leave..i dont know where to go if i leave…
he doesn’t feel like this, he doesn’t understand at all.

i dont expect anybody to, but i am throwing this out there because i need a solution. i need something to make me feel like life is more than a blank in which my boyfriend and i are barely friends, barely getting along as roommates, and im more of an annoyance to him than anything else. and the sad fact is i dont know what is more real, us being in love or this empty feeling of neglect and i dont know why he wanted me in the first place. or why i moved here in the first place.

there will probably be hell to pay, but i dont care..baring my soul is only distracting me from the fact that i have nothing, another day of nothing.

funny thing is the only time i realize how strange everything is is when i get high, then i wonder…why am i here with somebody like him?
he claims that i dont even care about him or show affection, but i do, everybody knows that.

why did he want me? because i was a challenge, and i was nice>? i dont know.

why do i feel like im being used, and i dont know…

i havent felt like the walking dead for awhile.

why do i bother with the things i bother with? i am nobody, worse than nobody. im nothing, i want to be alone to realize i am nothing. i dont need jeremy, i do need jeremy…somebody please get me drunk so i can be more of in idiot than i already am..i just want somebody who can make me feel,….complete

i want to die, get this whole joke over with…

we’re just a joke that God laughs at, really.

Some ups and downers

I don’t know what’s going on with my life right now. I Feel like, I’m really happy and yet not happy at all. I feel like I have a major sense of tunnel vision. That’s why I like to smoke, it helps remind me of who I am and who I am not. I feel unsatisfied with my life right now. Jeremy works all the time and when he is not working I am working. We barely see each other and he isn’t even attracted to me right now, he told me.

I am lonely, and why? I’m in a relationship, it shouldnt be like this. added stress is living in a small, shitty apartment and working all ALL the time. i feel disgusted and sick of myself.

I did get a haircut today.

it’s pretty cute.

But back to the issue—basically we may get evicted due to something stupid that I and Jer’s brother did.

And..maybe this just brings to the forefront the problems jer and i have had.

god knows, i love that boy so much. but i feel like we dont appreciate each other. we are always snappy and pissed at each other for something stupid. to be honest, im no perfect girl but jer can be extremely mean for what i view as nothing. and that just makes me a bitch in return.

So, I was sincerely considerin breaking up (or going on a break) with him after we got back from LA. should I do it? or should we just go back to everything being ok until the next fight? I am so confused. At what point is a relationship more trouble than it’s worth?

Gahhhg :f

I am rather tired. I need to switch my schedule to stay up laaate. yes sir. oh but i dont reaaaly want weekends off! ya see, i would get nothing but partying done if i had weekends off. hmmm. or i would laze around all day cuz it would be the “weekend” so i wouldn’t feel like i had to be a busy bai.

lessee, i had something to say.

oh yea—stingrays, manta rays, bacteria, strands of bacteria called filament bacteria, and and,…..FISH oh yea flying fish.

let that be noted. i was thinking of ideas today.

for…painting.

I missed Combichrist yet again.

I was up til 3:30 am yesterday and had work at 7:30. I didn’t feel tired at all but i decided to take a nap before Combichrist and i fell asleep until 9:45. I had a long dream about there being some kind of cataclysmic disaster.